Last night someone asked me what it was that I really wanted. I had such a hard time answering that question. You see as women we spend the majority of our lives, even the most liberated of us, putting aside what we really want to make sure the everyday effort of living allows us and those we love to survive and hopefully find happiness. In fact we bury that part of us so deeply that when asked we cant even express it.
Its such a simple question. How could I not know the answer. But I do know the answer. Deep inside I think that the one thing any woman really wants is to be cherished, to know that she is really important to one special person, that her thoughts and dreams and wishes matter. That he recognizes her desires and wants are more than whims; they are in fact necessities. And with that to be respected and truly valued. I want that.
My needs are simple .. food, security, shelter, water, art supplies, anything else I need to work with, cash to bail out my family if they need it and money left over to help who ever comes to the door and needs genuine help. I live simply, haven't bought shoes in two years, make most of my clothes or buy them at insanely reduced prices. Sometimes when money permits I allow myself the luxury of cable or I order delivery from my favorite Italian restaurant. I sometimes buy stuff for the fish or Nikki. Some months I do with out.. some months I have more than enough.
But just once in my life I wish I could have a French manicure, own a brand new really beautiful party dress, have a hair dresser give me a do and stand at the top of the stair case to have this incredible man looking up at me in a way that only men who are truly in love with women look at them.. and he meets me half way.. Takes my arm and leads me out to dance…(little sigh) its been so long since I danced with anyone, come to think of it.
People always try to put me in a box. Men, I think are the worst. They some how read things that aren't there or create things they wish were there, because the rest of the complicated feminine soul they just can't fathom. Thankfully God understands me and as I grow closer to final maturity I realize he is the only one that really matters.
All this said, and suddenly the statement I am beginning to make with Las Lonely Girls becomes more and more important to me. Women, every day women.. Not media women but real women. Not feminist either. Both groups do as much harm as they do good. And both quite often miss the point. Every day women who have hopes and dreams and desires, but who sacrifice them and put them aside to raise their children and make their marriages work or just simply stand behind a friend or boyfriend. They grasp at happiness where ever they can, in little things. In Shared history with husbands, boy friends, family, friends and community.
I think I would have loved to live a traditional life.. been a traditional wife and mother.. except for one thing.. After about 5 years of it, with the wrong man, I would have been bored and frustrated and ripe for a rebellion. There can be a lot of hurt in a rebellion.
I had a friend tell me once: "If you want to be really happy find that one thing you are really passionate about, and do it the best you can. Then follow your peace. Don't let anyone douse your passion or disturb your peace."
Everything I do in my life requires that I have peace.. that I embrace a certain amount of solitude. Anyone who loves, respects me, cherishes me, is going to protect that and respect it. They will encourage me in all my passions and revel in them. I would do no less for them.
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